Feeling a bit disconnected

I have three more classes to do. Almost all of the marking is done. In 48 hours my contract will be finished and I will be off (free) for the next four months. I will come back for convocation and to mark the papers of 1-2 students who were sick the last few weeks. But other than that, I have no commitments for four months.

So I should be celebrating. Right? I am not – at least not yet. This process of shedding one skin to become someone else – or at least a different persona is hard work and not without its dangers. It is easy to be structured and focused when one has a schedule, has a job with clear responsibilities. That schedule and focus allows me to do my job and to have sufficient time to spin the raw wool into something that I can weave with. But now I don’t need that schedule – my time is my own – I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. And there lies the danger.

I am afraid that I will get lost into that great nothingness - the absolute freedom to do anything – leads me on occasion to do nothing. And that is fine – one is allowed to do nothing . But I have just spent 8 months not allowing myself to be in that place and now I am rapidly falling into that abyss. I know in 4 days I will be happy and free. I will read and write, finish what is on the loom and have a great time washing, carding and spinning a new fleece. It is the transition from now to there that is a bit of a challenge. It is like I am swinging on the circus trapeze – without a safety wire, about to let go - I know it will feel great as I fly thorough the air. I am just having a hard letting go.