I leave for the west in 26 days. Usually by this point, I
would have had my camping/travelling gear out, checked it, seen what I needed
to wash, repair or replace and been basically packed. I would have written at least
once about my anxiety/fear of making that first step into that uncontrolled (by
at least me) venue that is hitchhiking. I would have created numerous lists of what
I needed to do, what I would take with me and what I needed to mail. But not
this year. I have done virtually none of that.
It is not that I don't have some anxiety/worries about the inherent
dangers of my upcoming adventure. I am aware more than most people that there
are potentially more than a few risks in travelling the way I do. I know that there might
be times when I will be wet to the bone with not a willing driver in sight; that
there very easily could be times when I will have to sleep outside in the
middle of nowhere with perhaps a bear or two in the general area and it is a
pretty fair bet that I will have at least one ride from someone who is a racist
or at least far more interested in expounding their world view than engaging in
any type of conversation. I also know that there are people out there who for
whatever reason hurt other people. But I have always known those things and so
my lack of almost over-whelming uneasiness about getting started does not
concern me. What does surprise me however, is my lack of anxiety about the
control - or rather not having any control over what will happen.
I am a bit of a control freak. I live alone and therefore it
is easy to be in control. My days are fairly structured; when I get up in the
morning I usually know what I will accomplish that day. I have low expectations
of anyone doing anything for me and therefore I assume that if something needs
to happen I will do it. It is a good system. Hitchhiking of course, changes all
of that. I have absolutely no control over who picks me up and (to some extent)
no control as to where they let me off. I am totally in the hands of someone
else. Giving up control is a bit of challenge for me and in the past the transition
from being in control to having none at all has worried me a bit. But not this
year. And I wonder why.
I may have just postponed the conversation in my head.
School stuff has hung on longer than normal. There are, for example, a couple
of program issues that need to be addressed before next fall and none of the
full time staff appear to be interested in having a conversation. Spinning and
weaving have consumed more of my time than perhaps in other years, and
certainly the fact that I am selling product every weekend at the Peterborough
Market has meant that I am spending more time replacing that product. Perhaps
it is simply the fact that after 12-13 years of making this trip, it feels less
of an adventure than it use to. Perhaps I have finally figured out that I don't
need to worry about things so far in advance.
Next week is consumed with family stuff. By the second week of June all of my doctor
and dentist appointments will be done, the car will be as fixed as well as it is going
to be and as I will have no more clean wool to spin or weave, I will not be
able to lose myself in playing with wool. Perhaps then I will start that internal conversation
about the absurdity of hitchhiking across half of Canada.
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