On the Road Again 2015 - Prologue #3

A week today, I leave for my trip. I can only hope that by then I have gotten myself a lot better organized that I am right now. There are a lot of little thing that need to get done between now and when I leave including finding stuff I have not used for a year, sewing a waterproof bag for my camera, getting a haircut, doing laundry, cleaning out my fridge and making sure the apartment is reasonably clean. Of course I also need to pack for the hitchhiking part of my trip, have a box ready to mail to myself with other summer stuff that I need but don't want to carry, and make sure that I have enough clean clothes left to wear at my granddaughter's graduation next Friday.

I know that I will get it all done but right now it all feels rather out of control.  I have an almost overwhelming, sometimes paralyzing feeling of uneasiness about the trip. This feeling of apprehension before leaving is not an unusual one for me.  I always seem to have a small panic attack at some point before I leave. I start to feel apprehensive or at least conflicted about what I am about to do. I do not think that I am worried about the rides or about where I will sleep but there is this sense that it is a whole bunch of work and I am not too sure why I do it.   I am never too sure if I get cold feet  because I am lazy and there are so many easier ways of travelling, or if it is the fear of something bad happening.  I use to think that it was the fear of not being in control (hitchhiking is all about giving up control), but this year my life has been so relaxed and outside of any schedule that that reason no longer makes any sense to me. None-the-less, I find myself finding excuses to avoid doing any of the above tasks.

On the other hand I am really excited about going. Before I go to sleep and as I wake up I fantasize as the great rides that I will get and of the people that I will meet. I get excited just thinking about that high I know I will get as soon as the first car/truck stops for me. As I said I am conflicted over the trip.
I have started to pack, made a few new signs, bought stuff like sun tan lotion and a new tee shirt and started to make lists of things that I need to do and pack. I have started to gather together the bits and pieces I need to take with me to make my life easier. My dining room table is littered with those items as I sort through them trying to decided if I really need to carry something that I have never used (for example, while I use my water filter while camping, I have never used it while hitchhiking - so why do I always carry it?). Every year I seem to carry more and technology  including the tablet, the bluetooth mini keyboard, and all of the wires needed to keep those things as well as my camera and cell phone charged. At the same time I am very aware that I am not as strong as I use to be and therefore feel even less inclined to carry any more weight than I have to. I suspect that I will, as usual, pack and re-pack both the box I am mailing and my knapsack more than a few times in the upcoming days. And when I get the West Coast, I will find that there are things that I either didn't need but carried anyways or even worse things that I have left at home that I should have brought.

I think I just realized that part of my obsessions with packing is related to needing to be in control and making sure I have what I need is the last bit of control that I will be able to exercise for the next two months. Something to think about.