Feeling Sick - Spending Money

I am starting my hitchhiking trip west this summer by taking the train to Winnipeg. I initially did this a few years ago when I realized that it was taking me an incredibly long time to get from Sudbury to Thunder Bay - once it took two and a half days. As well when I looked at all of my trips I realized that for the most part, once I got to Thunder Bay, I ended up taking the bus to Winnipeg. Between the mosquitoes and black flies and the cost of food and the bus etc. it was only a little bit more expensive to take the train directly to Winnipeg. Doing so saves me from the torture of the blood sucking bugs and the boredom that can be Northern Ontario. Interestingly - coming back in August, I have far less of a problem getting rides. In fact I really look forward to that part of the trip. Buying a train ticket feels as if I am cheating in some way - but as I am about to turn 66 - I get to do that.

The cost of a rail ticket, like everything else including the cost of a Greyhound ticket and food, has gone up in the past five years.  It no longer feels quite as good as a deal but none-the-less, I have just bought my train ticket and like always I feel a bit ill. 

Like so many people of my generation, I was raised by parents who had experienced some difficult times during the Depression of the 1930s. Growing up it felt as if at almost every meal there was some reminder as to how terrible that time was. My parents were, to say the least, frugal. With the exception of having a mortgage for the house, I don't think they ever borrowed money. Every penny spent was carefully thought about. As a child I was very conscious as to how poor we were. In hindsight I realize that we were not particularly poor. My dad always had a secure job, there was always nutritious food on the table (even if my mother had to frequently remind us how hard it was to feed a family of five on so little money) and we lived in a nice house. In fact we were not poor at all. I just felt poor. The implications of growing up in a household where money was always a concern has had, for me, relatively serious and long term implications.

I have always been anxious about spending money. It was not that I didn't want to have things one needs or wants, but rather there was a constant worry, at the back of my mind, that I would not have enough to support my family, or in my later years - me. I have felt at various times of my life immensely guilty that I have purchased something for myself, sick that I have had to spend money on an unplanned purchase or car repair or at the very least panicky that I have made a bad financial decision. Something as simple as buying a new shirt or pair of pants can cast me into five or six hours of turmoil as to whether or not I should take the item back. Spending a fair amount of money on something like a train ticket can cause physical discomfort for a few hours. My chest feels tight and my stomach slightly nauseous.  If I am not careful, it can be quite overwhelming. Generally it is quite manageable and I just ignore it.

I don't remember my father ever buying anything frivolous just for himself. Of all the things that he taught me - this is one thing I wish he hadn't. It is a good thing to be frugal. Because of my caution about spending money, I do not owe any money to anyone; I have money in the bank that will, with any luck, help me maintain a reasonable quality of life for the foreseeable future and there is enough to spend money on a train ticket.

I just wish that some days it was a bit easier to enjoy all of that.